Twenty-NOINE: Reflections on my aging.

I  always loved the summer. Free from school, could finally read whatever I wanted (when I should’ve been cracking down on my summer reading list), sleeping in, staying up late. It was all so wonderful! Summer was my season until 2016, but you know all about that (if you’ve been around, I mean).

Alas, I still manage to love summer for a few reasons, none of them being climate change and the number one of them being my birthday.

For quite some time, I had a love-hate relationship with my birthday. It was once a countdown to the end, I thought so many times I’d just had my last one. Not to be morbid or concerning, that’s just how it was. Once I kept passing birthdays and growing up and outgrowing friends and interests and feelings, I figured out that the things I thought I cared about weren’t actually the things I wanted to be living for. I also thought that letting go of things pushed me closer to the end, and I held onto a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know back then that letting go can be a very, very good thing.

That’s what getting older taught me: what I can outgrow, what sustains me, what brings me joy. And that’s when I grew to appreciate my birthdays. A signifier that not only did I get to live another year, but I thrived. I learned. 

I just turned twenty-nine, and I feel like I’m the closest to “me” than I’ve been since I was a little kid. I spent my early and mid-twenties fostering friendships I really care about, I’ve worked a couple of jobs I’ve loved and learned a lot in, and I’ve become more sure of myself than I’ve ever been. I’m also fully aware that in a year, I could have completely different interests and likes and, who knows, maybe I’ll finally be able to eat onions! I am confident and comfortable with myself, and I know that very little in life is permanent. As long as I know myself, I can roll with the punches.

The other day, I was watching an episode of Without a Trace, and Jack O’Connell was the main guest star. At one point, they mentioned his age being twenty-five. First of all, the job he had was way too mature for someone whose frontal lobe had just barely finished developing. Secondly, not that Jack looked old, but he sure as hell didn’t look twenty-five. Per his IMDb page, Jack was twenty-nine when the episode aired. Perhaps it’s because Jack O’Connell has always looked exactly the same to me all these years, plus they had him dressed in suits, but the man could have easily been thirty-three. But maybe he’s always looked mid-thirties to me??

Anyway, this was a couple of days before my birthday, and I thought, “Oh man, is that what I look like?” No, I’m just a baby!!! (Last year, an intern thought I was twenty–a compliment for sure, but very much put me a little into crisis).

My next thought after analyzing my appearance and my need to be perceived as at least of drinking age was the classic, “What am I doing?” Right now, with my life, with my goals.

To mention another piece of pertinent media, I rewatched Set It Up a handful of months ago. Zoey Deutch’s character is commiserating with Glen Powell’s character about their jobs, and Zoey says (and I am paraphrasing), “All I know is that I don’t want to still be an assistant when I’m twenty-eight, because then it’s just sad,”, and then Glen says, “I’m twenty-eight.” And Zoey apologizes through a laugh.

Being an assistant at now twenty-nine was putting me into yet another crisis about my age and what I’ve yet to accomplish in my life.

It’s so easy, especially with social media, to feel like you’re falling behind. I see these teenage millionaires making videos on Tik Tok and they have zero financial worries. I have a steady job and I’ve been privileged enough to be able to save throughout my teens and twenties, but I still have PLENTY of financial worries. It’s stressful to watch people younger than you succeed.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am still young! My thirties are going to be great! I still have so much time to do what I want to do in life. Will I be making big bucks on Tik Tok? Absolutely not. But I’m working hard on my writing, I work very hard at my job, and I don’t feel stifled or like I’m stalling out on the whole. Plus, that intern thought I was twenty! I may have intense back pain and joint problems, but I’m still so cute. That’s gotta count for something.

All that’s to say, here’s to another year of learning, growing, traveling, laughing, writing, reading, and occasionally being very annoying.