Thoughts on the pandemic while trying not to think about the pandemic.

It’s been difficult to come up with thoughts that aren’t about the pandemic or about what we’re all up to while staying home. It’s close to impossible to keep my mind on something unrelated. I’ve been making a lot of lists.

“Ways I’ve been staying productive during work-from-home.”

“Top ten movies to watch on lockdown.”

“Best Brad Mondo ‘Hairdresser Reacts’ videos to make you laugh when you haven’t gone outside in a week.”

“Ten things I’ve put in my cart to buy during lockdown, but have convinced myself not to.”

“Ten things I DID buy during lockdown and whether or not I regret them.”

“Top ten things to bake during lockdown.”

I’m just currently living my life as a Buzzfeed reject and doing so many sudokus it’s concerning. You don’t even want to know how many eraser shavings are floating around my room. I sweep every couple of days, and it’s…whew. A lot.

I’ve spent most of my time on the internet, yes, but I’ve stayed away from a lot of the panic and media frenzy. It’s not just about COVID and people refusing to wear masks, it’s getting on Twitter and every single day seeing another celebrity getting “cancelled” or exposed for something (or nothing!). It’s drama about TV shows and whether or not the fans are pleased. It’s seeing the division between people who want to reopen businesses too soon and people who fear for their at-risk loved ones (two things that aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive). It’s the uncertainty about what the hell this virus even is. Oh wait, those things are about COVID…oh, eff. The stress of it all is too much!

I’ve spent a lot less time on social media in some ways. My screen time has actually gone down in the last couple of weeks (I know!). However, because screen time is inevitable, I’ve been adjusting to exactly what I want to be looking at. Youtube videos about bleach jobs gone wrong, bad movies, and film press. Bookstagram!! Staying off the web altogether and editing my WIP. Making playlists for all my different moods. Facetiming friends.

Anything to get out of my head for a while and not think about all the concerts that are getting cancelled.

It’s fine, everything is fine.

Last night I talked on the phone to one of my college friends for two hours, and it was just nice. We lived together for two years, spent basically every waking moment together for three, but in the last two years I’ve only seen her three times. That’s the hard thing about college friends, ya know? You go from seeing each other so much they’re part of you, to moving to different states. Hell, even the ones that you live in the same city as (if that city is LA) you barely see! Anyway, she called me with a grammar question (obviously), and then we just talked about boys and our old apartment and grad school and our jobs. If I closed my eyes, I could picture us in our old living room like old times, drinking wine and Zillow-ing together, instead of on different ends of the phone.

That’s one thing I’ve been learning and working on the last few months (and the last two years, to be honest): what are my friendships like nowadays? How can I nurture them? Should I nurture them at all?

And that’s where I’ve connected this pandemic to the way I’ve been trying to cope since graduating college and entering the “real world.” I feel alone, separated so much from my friends. Of course, I have friends in my hometown, but they’re very different friendships. And I can’t just up and run to the beach when I need a break like I did in college. I’m working full time and spending so much time fighting work fires that I’m not thinking about anything else. Specifically a social life. Meaning I don’t have one.

You remember the Sunday Scaries? That feeling you got on Sundays in school when you had so much homework to finish before class the next day? I get that when I leave work on Fridays sometimes! And now that I’m ten feet from my laptop at all times, the urge to check emails is almost too easy to give in to.

Don’t mind me, just trying so hard not to think about the pandemic that I can’t stop thinking about the pandemic. Everything boils down to it.

I’m just wondering if when things go back to “normal” (whatever that normal may be and if we ever get there), will I go back to the old normal too? I’m wondering if and how this whole thing has changed me, and I’m not sure what to make of it.

Will this be the thing that makes me want to have a “happening” social life after this?

Okay, no, I definitely just laughed out loud at that idea.

I’ll just focus on coping right now. There’s a lot going on in my personal life, good and bad, and I need to remember what really matters in my life. And what really matters in the present. There’s no use in stressing so much about the future and what I can’t control when there’s so much to think about in the now.

I mean…right?

Time to don my Star Wars mask and run off to my favorite coffee shop. It’s the little things, ya know?