Teach a Boy to Fish & He’ll Call it a Personality Trait

I know you’ve probably read or seen or groaned over every “dating in the 21st century” post, especially ones about online dating, but looky here, another one! I’ve got two cents, so let me lay it down here. It’s a topic that comes up in many a conversation, especially with my grandmother, who just wants more grandkids already. But in this unpr*cedented time of not going out, we’re using dating apps more than ever. Or, if you’re like me, you scroll, you swipe, you observe, but you never actually match with anyone. And on the off chance that I do match with someone, the conversation is dead. Or I get ghosted. Or I ghost because my mental state makes me a real pain to talk to.

Or it might have something to do with the fact that I may or may not be trying to move to a different country…

Anyway, this is a hot topic in my group chats. What kind of people are we looking for? One of my friends got lucky—he got to ditch the dating apps for someone he met in real life. Granted, we all went to high school together, but at least they both continued to be good people. If I ever end up with someone I went to high school with, please have me checked out.

But here’s where our conversations always steer: what kind of profiles do we like? Or rather, what on a profile makes us immediately say “hell no”? It’s chalked up to personal preference. I polled my friends and here’s some of what I got: religion/atheism, opposing political affiliation, you’re in the military, pictures of cars, implications that women are rarely smart and/or funny, you only have group photos and we can’t tell who you are, cat person, too short, too many shirtless pictures, gym rat, not wanting kids, mirror selfies, when all their photos are from raves, never seen Star Wars, being too into one thing (to quote my friend, “I get having hobbies and love a man who’s passionate but if ALL of your pics are of you climbing mountains, I’m already bored”), the list goes ON.

My personal favorite is the Fish Boy. This is not a hot take, just ask almost any person. Whether they like them or not, we all know exactly how we feel about boys who post pictures of themselves holding fish. What does it mean? Am I supposed to be impressed by the ~size of your fish~ or am I supposed to know what kind of fish it is? Are you trying to come off as outdoorsy? A rough-it kind of guy? A survivalist? Whatever you want me to think, I don’t, I can tell you that. It’s like the people who make liking The Office their entire personality. It’s funny, but it’s not the only funny (nor the funniest) thing.

People who find the Fish Boy attractive (zero judgments if you do): why? I’m genuinely curious!

It constantly makes me look back at my own profile and wonder what other people think when they see it. What draws them? What makes them say “um, weirdo” and move on? And for my Hinge users, what do you think about the new standouts/roses feature?

I check my “standouts” periodically, and this one guy has come up a few times. I WISH these boys came up on my discover because, quite frankly, they’re hot, but you can only give them a rose. You can’t simply just “like” them. I know it’s not necessarily meant to be this way, but it reeks of desperation to me. I gave one once (because he was that cute), and we didn’t match. Honestly, my pride was hurt. I ended up giving another one the other day to aforementioned hot guy, just because why the heck not? I’m not trying to be in this country for much longer anyway. What’s the harm? But I still felt so weird doing it. Like, this guy is going to think I’m paying for my Hinge profile. It looks like I’m deeply invested in the dating game, and I’m not. I mean, I’m not opposed to it, but I’m also not about to pay to meet someone on an app. I’d rather pay for a drink at a bar and meet you there.

Am I overthinking this? Probably, but also I think it’s a valid train of thought.

I may be so wary because I’ve had a lot of bad dating app dates. By a lot, I mean about 90% of the handful I’ve been on (and I have small hands). One time I fell down a hill on a date. Like, slipped and tumbled and got a bit cut up and lost my keys. I’ve got a small arsenal of embarrassing stories from app dates, and I know I’m not alone in that. Though I did go on a few dates with someone I met on Hinge who looks exactly like Jake Gyllenhaal. Wonder what he’s up to these days…

I guess I’m just wondering where we go from here. We can’t go out and meet people casually. Everyone is starved for human interaction. I can’t have a meet-cute at a bookstore where we both reach for the same novel and fall in love at first sight. The norm has changed, but will it stay this way? Will I ever want to go to a bar with my friends ever again?

Yes, the answer is yes. But the mere thought of a crowd makes my stomach roll, so it’s a slightly panicky yes.

I’ve become so jaded about the kind of men in LA, and I’m highly unimpressed most of the time with what I see on dating apps. Makes me wonder what those fancy exclusive apps are like. You know the ones where you need a certain number of Instagram followers or there’s an endless waiting list? Thinking about Molly from Insecure here, and she didn’t even find anyone that great on it!

Maybe I’ve just read too many books that I no longer am interested in real people. Which is just great. Sorry, grandma, you might not get any little Ashleys running around ever. (Kidding, I’ve absolutely considered having kids whether I have a man or not, it’ll just still be a while. I can’t even take care of myself!). Fictional characters have ruined my sense of real-life romance (looking at you, Jim Clancy and Melinda Gordon from Ghost Whisperer). Just gonna go dive into another rom-com and hope for the best, I suppose! And wait patiently for my vaccine tier so I can have my bookstore meet-cute. Also, more importantly, so I can hug my friends.

Author’s note: Chris Evans, if you’re reading this, I am available and completely normal!!